Celebrations

Although it is hard, we are trying to enjoy our time left with Morey and not let the sadness of what is coming ruin the time we do have with him. Every morning we wake up and he is still here is a day to celebrate and cherish the time together.

We had probably the strangest Easter ever. Morey is pretty much homebound and we don't want to leave him alone so we had Easter morning at home together, listening to some of our favorite Easter hymns courtesy of Youtube. We did fix an Easter feast and Morey was quite excited to enjoy the turkey- for the price of wearing the obligatory rabbit ears!

Morey's half birthday was the day after Easter so of course we had to celebrate his 8 and a half birthday! It was bittersweet to think it was his last birthday celebration, something we had no idea when he turned 8 in October. Luckily I had a small can of dog food to use as a cake with a piece of bacon for his candle which he very much enjoyed! It was so special to get to enjoy a few more special times with Morey!

My 30th birthday was on the 21st and I was so glad Morey was still around to celebrate with me! I had been expecting to share more of my 30s with him but at this point I was happy he was here to get my year off to a good start! I got to spend my day at home with Morey and my mom and had a friend over for dinner so if you could have removed the reason for those circumstances it would have been even better!

Retirement

When you only have a little time left on this earth you might as well make them the best they can be! That became the goal for Morey and he has spent his time doing as many of his favorite activities as he still can! Thankfully Morey's health seemed to stabilize after we realized that sleeping on soft surfaces seemed to make it more difficult for him to breathe. He now spends most of his days and nights on the floor and his inflatable bed has gotten more use than it ever as before!

 Morey still loves his toys, especially his bunny. While he doesn't play chase anymore he will lay on his bed and squeak the bunny and trying to catch it with his paws if it "gets away". Morey has always enjoyed playing with really small toys which is funny to see for such a big dog!

Thankfully the weather has been nice which has allowed us to spend a lot of time outside with Morey. He seems to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells and will be very engaged in his surroundings. Morey enjoys meals on the deck, preferring cooked chicken or pulled pork and ice chips as his food options. He's also gotten peanut butter, cream cheese, turkey- fed by hand after deciding that he is done eating kibble out of a bowl. It makes us happy to see him feeling well enough to be getting spoiled and enjoying every minute!

Morey looks so good it is hard to believe what is going on inside his body. He was so active and normal that at times it's hard to believe we are really going to lose him so soon. Morey makes every moment of my life more happy and it breaks my heart to think how sad and lonely I will be without him. He can take any ordinary activity and make you see the joy in it. My life will be much more mundane without his cheerful face and joyful spirit!

 One activity Morey still enjoys is soaking in his pool. A few days were up near 90 and so he enjoyed cooling off in the pool. Of course he wanted his tennis ball to keep him company!

Morey spent so much time in the pool he wanted to take a nap but it looked uncomfortable for him to use the edge of the pool as a pillow so my mom rigged up a pool pillow for him to use to rest his head. Grandma to the rescue!

 Snoozing in the pool, does it get much better than that??

 Morey has always enjoyed the couch and I would say he has now officially become a couch potato! I don't even mind when he takes up all the space and doesn't leave any for me!

It's hard for Morey to get up to my level so now I get down to his. I've sat on the floor more since his diagnosis than I have for quite a long time! I want to spend as much time with him as I can and if that means getting down on the floor it is definitely worth it! Morey has spent his whole life serving me so I think it is only fair that I spend the last few weeks of his life serving him.

We were hoping Morey's retirement was going to be much longer but he is certainly making the most of the time he has!

Saying Goodbye

Wrapping your head around shocking news is tough. Even though you have heard something it can take a while for it to sink in and seem real. Morey's cancer diagnosis and poor prognosis was almost unbelievable since it came so suddenly.

I was thankful to be able to take Morey home but wasn't sure how much time or what his quality of life would be like. It made me incredibly happy to see him show interest in his ball and his food on Saturday which was much more than he had done the day before.

Sunday I took Morey to church for the last time. Thinking of all the "lasts" ahead of me was so sad. I knew people would want to love on Morey so I gave him "pew privileges" so it was more comfortable for him and easier for people to pet him. He looked surprised when I told him to jump but seemed quite comfortable! It was Palm Sunday and the choir was presenting a Cantata so it was lovely to hear the beautiful music and hear the message of Easter.

Some things you can't deal with on your own and this definitely qualified! My mom bought a one way ticket since we weren't sure what to expect. Morey was feeling well enough to go in to the airport to greet her. As a man came up to me to tell me how to make liver treats it made me realize how much I will miss not having a service dog by my side. People see you and interact with you differently when you have a dog and that is something I will miss. Losing a service dog has so many layers of loss- not only losing your precious dog and best friend but also the assistance and connections they provide.

Morey had a follow up appointment with Dr. Oliver, our regular vet on Monday. She was pleased to see the improvement in his comfort and agreed that he should continue taking his heart medication and Chinese supplement (Yunnan Baiyao) to help with blood clotting. She spent over 45 minutes with us, talking and also grieving with us. It was a sad reality check when she said we didn't need to bring him back- although Morey was probably glad for that!










I wanted to give Morey's friends a chance to say goodbye so I invited all his local friends to stop by the house on Monday evening. I put together a display of Morey's memories: photos, agility ribbons, halloween costumes and of course his UT collar. It helped to remember all the wonderful times we have had together, even though it hurts to think we may not have many more. Morey enjoyed the attention but seemed confused to see some of his friends at his house. By the end of the evening he was worn out but it was special to get to enjoy one last time with him and his friends.

 

Some folks weren't able to make it with such short notice and I invited them to share a favorite memory of Morey. It made me smile amidst the tears to remember what an impact he has had on so many people!

On Tuesday Morey went in to work to say goodbye. This was perhaps the hardest to think that it was the last time he would accompany me into the office. Once again he got couch privileges as people from my office and all around our building and department stopped by to say goodbye. Everyone lingered, not wanting to have to leave and say the final goodbye. He had a tough time walking from my office to the car and I realized this would likely be his last outing. I couldn't keep the tears from falling as I thought of all the times we had rolled the halls together and knowing that from now on I would be alone. Morey will be missed by so many people but by me most of all!

Heartbreak

Warning, very long and sad post!

Over the past week Morey hasn't been feeling well. He was limping a bit and then threw up his breakfast and didn't want to eat. His symptoms were so vague and fluctuating I kept waiting to see if he would get better on his own. On Thursday night he began breathing very heavily and continued that all night. At several points I contemplated taking him to the emergency vet but he didn't seem to be struggling for breath and he wasn't getting worse so I decided to wait until morning.

I called the vet in the morning and they told me they were fully booked and all they could do was have me drop Morey off so the vet could see him when she was available. I explained that Morey is my service dog and that I didn't feel comfortable doing a drop off. She talked to the head nurse and they said to bring him immediately and they would work him in. It is so important to have a vet that understands the unique nature of the demands and nature of a working service dog relationship.

After hearing about Morey's symptoms they decided to do x-rays of his chest and abdomen. A lot of the vet staff know Morey and always comment on how compliant and easy it is to work with him. When the vet called me in to review the x-rays she handed me a box of kleenex and told me she had bad news. My heart sunk in my chest as she said that Morey has cancer: hemangiosarcoma (cancer of the blood vessels). I could hardly wrap my mind around her words as she got tears in her eyes while telling me his prognosis is not good.

She showed me the x-rays and pointed out all the white spots that are tumors in his chest. She said his platelet count and red blood cell count is low and her exam showed that he is bleeding internally. She wanted to refer me to an oncologist who could do an ultrasound to see how far it has progressed and if there are any treatment options.

They brought Morey back in and gave him a comfy mat to lay on while they went to make the referral and finalize the paperwork. My head was spinning as I tried to process all the technical terms and next steps but all I kept thinking was that I was going to lose Morey far too soon. I thought he might have something wrong with his stomach and we would get some pills and be on our way. Not that I would receive life-altering news that the end of Morey's life was closer than I wanted to even imagine.

They sent me to an emergency/specialty vet in northwest Austin. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stop home first and gather some food and things to keep me busy while waiting for Morey. Turns out this was a very good call since I didn't end up coming home until 8pm!

When I arrived at the vet they took Morey and got started on his diagnostics. The vet explained that they would do an ultrasound in the afternoon and they wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he is stable. I asked if there was anyway I could take him home with me that night and she said they would give him fluids and we could assess later in the day. They set us up in an exam room where I sat on the floor with him while he got fluids.

Morey's breathing wasn't as labored but he was very lethargic and almost non-responsive. It broke my heart to sit with him knowing that I may never get my happy energetic dog back. The vet staff was so kind, checking in on us periodically.

The vet tech brought Morey a pile of blankets to use as a pillow!

They did an ultrasound which confirmed everything my vet had initially suspected. She said he has a tumor in his spleen and if that was all they could remove the spleen but because he has tumors in other places, including his heart, this would not be effective. She said he has fluid around his heart which is making it hard for him to breathe. She told me he has less than a month to live and that she can't guarantee what his quality of life would be. When she asked if I wanted to consider euthanasia that day I lost it.

I don't want Morey to suffer but all this was so new to me. She said they could try to drain the fluid around his heart to give him some relief and I eagerly agreed. She warned me that it could refill almost immediately depending on where the fluid was coming from but it was basically the only option. During this procedure his heart skipped a few beats so they wanted to keep him a bit longer for observation. Once again we went back in Exam Room #3 and made ourselves as comfy as possible. Morey was so drugged and still I kept watching him breathe but that was preferably to seeing him be in so much discomfort. I didn't realize it was possible to cry that many tears in one day!

The vet said I could take Morey home since there really isn't much more they could do for him. She warned me of the possibility of him passing away in his sleep or having one of his tumors burst in which case he would quickly bleed to death internally. Obviously I have to be aware of my limitations in moving him if he can't walk or move himself so she gave me the name of two vets who will come to your home for euthanasia.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that Morey will likely be gone by the end of the month. He is my constant companion and life without him is truly unimaginable. He's with me everywhere I go and will be missed everywhere I go.  Yet I also don't want him to suffer just because it makes me sad to say goodbye. I'm praying we have a few more days together before I have to make any more hard decisions!