Heartbreak

Warning, very long and sad post!

Over the past week Morey hasn't been feeling well. He was limping a bit and then threw up his breakfast and didn't want to eat. His symptoms were so vague and fluctuating I kept waiting to see if he would get better on his own. On Thursday night he began breathing very heavily and continued that all night. At several points I contemplated taking him to the emergency vet but he didn't seem to be struggling for breath and he wasn't getting worse so I decided to wait until morning.

I called the vet in the morning and they told me they were fully booked and all they could do was have me drop Morey off so the vet could see him when she was available. I explained that Morey is my service dog and that I didn't feel comfortable doing a drop off. She talked to the head nurse and they said to bring him immediately and they would work him in. It is so important to have a vet that understands the unique nature of the demands and nature of a working service dog relationship.

After hearing about Morey's symptoms they decided to do x-rays of his chest and abdomen. A lot of the vet staff know Morey and always comment on how compliant and easy it is to work with him. When the vet called me in to review the x-rays she handed me a box of kleenex and told me she had bad news. My heart sunk in my chest as she said that Morey has cancer: hemangiosarcoma (cancer of the blood vessels). I could hardly wrap my mind around her words as she got tears in her eyes while telling me his prognosis is not good.

She showed me the x-rays and pointed out all the white spots that are tumors in his chest. She said his platelet count and red blood cell count is low and her exam showed that he is bleeding internally. She wanted to refer me to an oncologist who could do an ultrasound to see how far it has progressed and if there are any treatment options.

They brought Morey back in and gave him a comfy mat to lay on while they went to make the referral and finalize the paperwork. My head was spinning as I tried to process all the technical terms and next steps but all I kept thinking was that I was going to lose Morey far too soon. I thought he might have something wrong with his stomach and we would get some pills and be on our way. Not that I would receive life-altering news that the end of Morey's life was closer than I wanted to even imagine.

They sent me to an emergency/specialty vet in northwest Austin. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stop home first and gather some food and things to keep me busy while waiting for Morey. Turns out this was a very good call since I didn't end up coming home until 8pm!

When I arrived at the vet they took Morey and got started on his diagnostics. The vet explained that they would do an ultrasound in the afternoon and they wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he is stable. I asked if there was anyway I could take him home with me that night and she said they would give him fluids and we could assess later in the day. They set us up in an exam room where I sat on the floor with him while he got fluids.

Morey's breathing wasn't as labored but he was very lethargic and almost non-responsive. It broke my heart to sit with him knowing that I may never get my happy energetic dog back. The vet staff was so kind, checking in on us periodically.

The vet tech brought Morey a pile of blankets to use as a pillow!

They did an ultrasound which confirmed everything my vet had initially suspected. She said he has a tumor in his spleen and if that was all they could remove the spleen but because he has tumors in other places, including his heart, this would not be effective. She said he has fluid around his heart which is making it hard for him to breathe. She told me he has less than a month to live and that she can't guarantee what his quality of life would be. When she asked if I wanted to consider euthanasia that day I lost it.

I don't want Morey to suffer but all this was so new to me. She said they could try to drain the fluid around his heart to give him some relief and I eagerly agreed. She warned me that it could refill almost immediately depending on where the fluid was coming from but it was basically the only option. During this procedure his heart skipped a few beats so they wanted to keep him a bit longer for observation. Once again we went back in Exam Room #3 and made ourselves as comfy as possible. Morey was so drugged and still I kept watching him breathe but that was preferably to seeing him be in so much discomfort. I didn't realize it was possible to cry that many tears in one day!

The vet said I could take Morey home since there really isn't much more they could do for him. She warned me of the possibility of him passing away in his sleep or having one of his tumors burst in which case he would quickly bleed to death internally. Obviously I have to be aware of my limitations in moving him if he can't walk or move himself so she gave me the name of two vets who will come to your home for euthanasia.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that Morey will likely be gone by the end of the month. He is my constant companion and life without him is truly unimaginable. He's with me everywhere I go and will be missed everywhere I go.  Yet I also don't want him to suffer just because it makes me sad to say goodbye. I'm praying we have a few more days together before I have to make any more hard decisions!