A Lasting Legacy

Morey is gone but the impact he had on people lives on.  I have been humbled and amazed by all the love and support from people sharing their stories of how Morey impacted their lives in positive ways. From my former classmates in grad school to people who only "met" Morey via my blog and Facebook,  Morey's loving and happy personality made him friends everywhere he went. I can only hope to live my life in a way that brings so many smiles to people's faces!

It has been so special to see Morey being honored and celebrated by many of the different groups who loved him so much.

Morey's Above and Beyond Service Award

At the end of the spring semester, the Division of Diversity and Community Engagement (where I work) posthumously honored Morey with the Above and Beyond Service Award, in special recognition for a lifetime of service. Morey is well-known across campus and it has made me smile to hear so many people share how he made their days better. He set a high standard for us all to live up to when it comes to dedication and enthusiasm for your work!






Agility had become one of Morey's favorite activities and only a month before his diagnosis he was competing in an agility trial and doing quite well! Although I am not very crafty I put together a shadow box with some of his ribbons and a few pictures of him to remember the enthusiasm he had for agility!

Agility Shadow Box

 

 

Morey was a beloved part of my church family and we all miss his presence in the pews on Sunday mornings. On Memorial Day weekend my pastor preached a sermon about making memorials to help us remember the ways God has worked in our lives. She then surprised me by coming over to where I was sitting and revealing that the church had added a memorial for Morey on the pew where we always sat; a carved wooden paw print with Morey's name carved in it. What a precious way to honor and remember Morey as a member of our congregation!

Morey's Memorial on the pew

And so I realize that although my adventures with Morey are over, it is not the end. The love I have for Morey will go on and the impact he had on countless lives leaves a lasting legacy. Morey was a perfect example of living in the moment, enjoying the present, accepting people as they are, always being open to making a new friend, doing your job with enthusiasm and dedication and always knowing how to brighten your day. Morey was a true friend who made our lives better and that is the legacy he leaves for all of us who love him. May we strive to be as much of a friend to others as he was to all of us!

The End

Every story has a beginning and an end. When Morey and I started our story together six and a half years ago I was already dreading the day when our story would end. I just never expected it to be so soon. Morey was only eight and a half and I was expecting to have at least a few more years together. Part of me gets angry that I was "cheated" out of more time with him but that turns into thankfulness for all the wonderful years we did have together.

Morey has been gone for two weeks and it still doesn't feel real. I still expect him to greet me when I come home from a bike ride or come running around the side of the house with his tennis ball. Tears come easily when I get in the car by myself or wake up in the morning with the whole bed to myself. The house is so empty and lifeless without a dog and I feel like part of me is always missing- because it is. I can get through each moment on its own but thinking ahead to forever without Morey is overwhelming.

There are so many losses to grieve. Morey my service dog, Morey my agility partner, Morey my best friend and constant companion. Every place I go, everything I do is a reminder that Morey is gone. It's hard to be constantly faced with your loss and yet that is the price I pay for being constantly graced by Morey's presence during his life.

I have gone through some tough times over the past six years and Morey was always there to help me through them. With his happy face and wagging tail he would distract me and comfort me and remind me that things can't be all bad when you have a toy to play with, treats to enjoy and a friend to cuddle with. Facing the loss of Morey and life without him seems overwhelming and impossible but I know Morey wouldn't want me to be sad.

Many people are already asking me about getting another dog. I will likely get another service dog at some point but my heart is not ready to even consider that possibility yet. I am thankful that I can still live independently without Morey so I don't have to rush into a new relationship. I am looking into options to foster dogs since I can't stand the emptiness of my house and I would have a lot to offer a dog in need of a place to be while it finds its new home.

I started this blog for other people who wanted to stay involved with what Morey was up to in Texas. Now it is an incredible journal of our time together with more than 500 posts and pictures of special memories with Morey. Although they bring tears now I am thankful for all the good times and in the words of Dr. Seuss "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".

A Peaceful Passing

 Don't read this post unless you have plenty of tissues handy...

The vet had told me that Morey would either pass because of internal bleeding or not being able to breathe. Initially when I took him home he bruised easily and had labored breathing at times but once we had him on firmer surfaces and had him on his Yunnan Baiyao Chinese clotting supplement both of these issues seemed to resolve. He gave us a few scares when we thought the end was near but Morey pulled through each time, giving us more precious time with him. As we passed 3 weeks and then 4 weeks and then a month after his diagnosis my mom and I joked about getting a second opinion since the vet thought he would have less than a month to live and Morey had been holding steady for a few weeks.

That all changed one morning when he had another seizure and although it didn't last very long it did appear to leave him with some neurological damage. He had difficulty with balance, seemed to lose some of his depth perception in his vision and stopped eating. My mom and I suspected the end was near when he hadn't eaten much except for ice chips for a few days. One night we were watching the news and the Wheel of Fortune came on. That had always been Morey's signal for dinner time and when I saw him perk up a bit when he heard the music I offered him a treat, not really expecting him to eat it. To my surprise eagerly took the treat and licked my hands for more. He ate several more treats of various kinds and it seemed his appetite was back! Classical conditioning at its finest!

Over the next few days Morey returned to a more regular eating pattern, once again lulling us into a false sense of reality that he was getting "better". We made him a number of tasty treats, including frozen peanut butter pops and kibble soaked in chicken broth, which he seemed to enjoy.

But then he lost more function, barely being able to stand or walk to go outside and it became clear that we had a hard decision to make. It wasn't fair to make Morey suffer because I was too selfish to say goodbye and so I contacted a vet service that specializes in home euthanasia. Setting a time and then counting down the hours we had left together was awful and yet seeing Morey in that state wasn't really what you would call living.

Morey spent his last few hours out on the deck, enjoying chasing flies, and eating peanut butter pops, getting petted and being talked to by me and my mom. Morey didn't like it when we were upset around him and so we tried to hold our emotions in and make his finals hours as enjoyable as they could be. Even in his compromised state, he was still very attentive to me. If I left him he would pick up his head to look for me, listening and responding to the sound of my wheelchair. It broke my heart that even as he was failing, he was still trying to do his job as best he could. Such a faithful friend!

The vet who came to the house was so sweet and made the final goodbye as peaceful as it could be. Morey was already sleeping when she arrived and although he woke enough to take a few licks of peanut butter off a spoon it was actually hard to tell the exact moment when he passed because he had already been so still. I was so glad we got to say our final goodbye at home where we could all be most comfortable. Once he was gone we could let out all our sadness because we knew it wouldn't disturb him anymore.

Morey's wicker basket coffin

At home we always buried our dogs but that wasn't an option for me in Texas. The vet works with a cremation service and they took care of all the details. They offered a "basket service" but I didn't really know what that was until they brought in a giant wicker basket to use to transport Morey's body. They said they have to get them specially made which I can imagine since I am not sure there is much use for a basket that big for other purposes!

Sleep in heavenly peace, Morey!

They loaded him into the basket and tucked him in with a blanket. Although it was sad it was actually very sweet to see my precious Morey tucked into a basket just like a puppy. He looked so peaceful and I was glad to have such a cute image as my last memory of him.

Morey in his giant basket

After more than 5 weeks of waiting, wondering and worrying about this moment it was done. As long as Morey was alive our entire focus was on him but now he was gone, leaving us with precious memories and broken hearts. The thing I had been dreading the most had happened and now we were left to try to pick up the pieces of our lives and move forward.

Rest in peace, sweet Morey! I know you are having a great time in heaven, healthy and happy and enjoying swimming, chasing balls and playing with your friends! Thank you for making my life so much happier and for sharing your joy with so many people! You are already missed!

Hospice

Being told by your vet that you don't need to come back is a sobering reality. We were basically taking Morey home for hospice care; allowing him to live out his remaining days enjoying as much of life as he still could. We didn't know whether this would be a few days or a few weeks and always in the back of your mind is the thought "Is it time?". With an animal you have the additional responsibility of being the one to decide whether it is time to end their suffering, a horrible decision and yet one that can be the last gift you give them.

Morey enjoying his peanut butter ice cream!

At first Morey was doing well enough that is seemed like a regular visit with my mom. I went to work a few half days while she stayed home with Morey. We didn't leave the house but enjoyed sitting on the deck, cuddling with Morey and being together. Morey decided he didn't want to eat out of bowls any more so all his meals were hand fed. He stopped eating kibble and preferred cooked chicken, peanut butter and frozen pumpkin pops. Morey has always loved eating ice and so he got crushed ice chips several times a day. We had a few friends over but Morey tired easily and so gradually it was just Morey, me and my mom, our world narrowing and time losing meaning except for when it was time to give Morey his pills. Thankfully the weather was nice during much of this time so we were able to split our time between the living room and our backyard, allowing all of us to enjoy a change of scenery!

Morey loved sleeping on pillows!

I was so thankful to have my mom here to help me care for him; otherwise I wouldn't have been able keep him alive for so long. Morey needed care I couldn't physically give and it was frustrating that Morey had given so much to me in his life of service and I couldn't give back to him in return. Once we figured out soft surfaces made it hard for him to breathe Morey spent all of his time on the floor on various different beds and blankets. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for me to get up and down off the floor and sitting on hard surfaces with no back support is no more enjoyable. I would spend as much time as possible on the floor with Morey before my body rebelled and I had to change positions. Morey wanted to have someone close to him and so my mom and I would take shifts in keeping him company and resting our bodies.

Morey slept with Grandma on the floor the last few weeks

My mom took the night shift, sleeping with Morey on the floor for what we thought might only be a few nights but ended up being 4 weeks (bless her heart!). Every night I went to bed wondering if he would be alive in the morning and each morning my mom would get ice from the fridge- our signal that Morey was still alive. As he declined I would lie in bed each morning, torn between wanting Morey to be alive and yet also partially hoping he had passed peacefully in the night.



Although Morey was still alive, I was already mourning for him. No longer was Morey my constant companion, cuddle buddy, service dog, agility partner and go-getter, instead he seemed to have aged from his 8 and a half years to being 12-14 years old. It was difficult for him to get up and down, he was sleeping a lot and was getting picky about his food. Seeing him decline so quickly was hard. He had acted similar to this after his seizure in October and he had recovered from that and so part of me found it hard to believe he was never going to get better. Your head can know something but your heart isn't as easily convinced!

Propped up on pillows

Despite his declining health, Morey still showed glimpses of his personality and attitude. He loved sleeping on pillows and when we would move them to try to use them ourselves he would move himself to still prop up his head on them. He spent a lot of time outside snapping at flies if they came close to him, never coming close to catching one but enjoying the "chase"

He also had an attitude when it came to his meals. He was taking his pills in balls of cream cheese and despite liking the cream cheese he would often play hard to get, turning his head away and sighing before succumbing to the smell and taste my mom would smear on his mouth. He enjoyed eating cooked chicken and kibble soaked in chicken broth and I made more than a few trips to the store to buy chicken and cream cheese.

Morey sleeping on his blue blanket

As the days turned to weeks we felt like we were in a time warp; Morey controlling every aspect of our lives. I was thankful to have the flexibility at work to put in some hours at home and only have to go into the office for a few hours at a time so I could prioritize time with Morey. I can't even describe how much I appreciated my mom putting her life on hold for what turned out to be 5 weeks, but at the time was just one day after another of taking care of Morey. Most people wouldn't have been able to put their lives on hold for 5 weeks and I appreciated every moment I got to have with Morey. It was a strange feeling; hating to see Morey decline, trying to cherish each minute with him and wondering when/how it would end. It was an emotional roller coaster that wasn't particularly enjoyable and yet we didn't want it to end.

Celebrations

Although it is hard, we are trying to enjoy our time left with Morey and not let the sadness of what is coming ruin the time we do have with him. Every morning we wake up and he is still here is a day to celebrate and cherish the time together.

We had probably the strangest Easter ever. Morey is pretty much homebound and we don't want to leave him alone so we had Easter morning at home together, listening to some of our favorite Easter hymns courtesy of Youtube. We did fix an Easter feast and Morey was quite excited to enjoy the turkey- for the price of wearing the obligatory rabbit ears!

Morey's half birthday was the day after Easter so of course we had to celebrate his 8 and a half birthday! It was bittersweet to think it was his last birthday celebration, something we had no idea when he turned 8 in October. Luckily I had a small can of dog food to use as a cake with a piece of bacon for his candle which he very much enjoyed! It was so special to get to enjoy a few more special times with Morey!

My 30th birthday was on the 21st and I was so glad Morey was still around to celebrate with me! I had been expecting to share more of my 30s with him but at this point I was happy he was here to get my year off to a good start! I got to spend my day at home with Morey and my mom and had a friend over for dinner so if you could have removed the reason for those circumstances it would have been even better!

Retirement

When you only have a little time left on this earth you might as well make them the best they can be! That became the goal for Morey and he has spent his time doing as many of his favorite activities as he still can! Thankfully Morey's health seemed to stabilize after we realized that sleeping on soft surfaces seemed to make it more difficult for him to breathe. He now spends most of his days and nights on the floor and his inflatable bed has gotten more use than it ever as before!

 Morey still loves his toys, especially his bunny. While he doesn't play chase anymore he will lay on his bed and squeak the bunny and trying to catch it with his paws if it "gets away". Morey has always enjoyed playing with really small toys which is funny to see for such a big dog!

Thankfully the weather has been nice which has allowed us to spend a lot of time outside with Morey. He seems to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells and will be very engaged in his surroundings. Morey enjoys meals on the deck, preferring cooked chicken or pulled pork and ice chips as his food options. He's also gotten peanut butter, cream cheese, turkey- fed by hand after deciding that he is done eating kibble out of a bowl. It makes us happy to see him feeling well enough to be getting spoiled and enjoying every minute!

Morey looks so good it is hard to believe what is going on inside his body. He was so active and normal that at times it's hard to believe we are really going to lose him so soon. Morey makes every moment of my life more happy and it breaks my heart to think how sad and lonely I will be without him. He can take any ordinary activity and make you see the joy in it. My life will be much more mundane without his cheerful face and joyful spirit!

 One activity Morey still enjoys is soaking in his pool. A few days were up near 90 and so he enjoyed cooling off in the pool. Of course he wanted his tennis ball to keep him company!

Morey spent so much time in the pool he wanted to take a nap but it looked uncomfortable for him to use the edge of the pool as a pillow so my mom rigged up a pool pillow for him to use to rest his head. Grandma to the rescue!

 Snoozing in the pool, does it get much better than that??

 Morey has always enjoyed the couch and I would say he has now officially become a couch potato! I don't even mind when he takes up all the space and doesn't leave any for me!

It's hard for Morey to get up to my level so now I get down to his. I've sat on the floor more since his diagnosis than I have for quite a long time! I want to spend as much time with him as I can and if that means getting down on the floor it is definitely worth it! Morey has spent his whole life serving me so I think it is only fair that I spend the last few weeks of his life serving him.

We were hoping Morey's retirement was going to be much longer but he is certainly making the most of the time he has!

Saying Goodbye

Wrapping your head around shocking news is tough. Even though you have heard something it can take a while for it to sink in and seem real. Morey's cancer diagnosis and poor prognosis was almost unbelievable since it came so suddenly.

I was thankful to be able to take Morey home but wasn't sure how much time or what his quality of life would be like. It made me incredibly happy to see him show interest in his ball and his food on Saturday which was much more than he had done the day before.

Sunday I took Morey to church for the last time. Thinking of all the "lasts" ahead of me was so sad. I knew people would want to love on Morey so I gave him "pew privileges" so it was more comfortable for him and easier for people to pet him. He looked surprised when I told him to jump but seemed quite comfortable! It was Palm Sunday and the choir was presenting a Cantata so it was lovely to hear the beautiful music and hear the message of Easter.

Some things you can't deal with on your own and this definitely qualified! My mom bought a one way ticket since we weren't sure what to expect. Morey was feeling well enough to go in to the airport to greet her. As a man came up to me to tell me how to make liver treats it made me realize how much I will miss not having a service dog by my side. People see you and interact with you differently when you have a dog and that is something I will miss. Losing a service dog has so many layers of loss- not only losing your precious dog and best friend but also the assistance and connections they provide.

Morey had a follow up appointment with Dr. Oliver, our regular vet on Monday. She was pleased to see the improvement in his comfort and agreed that he should continue taking his heart medication and Chinese supplement (Yunnan Baiyao) to help with blood clotting. She spent over 45 minutes with us, talking and also grieving with us. It was a sad reality check when she said we didn't need to bring him back- although Morey was probably glad for that!










I wanted to give Morey's friends a chance to say goodbye so I invited all his local friends to stop by the house on Monday evening. I put together a display of Morey's memories: photos, agility ribbons, halloween costumes and of course his UT collar. It helped to remember all the wonderful times we have had together, even though it hurts to think we may not have many more. Morey enjoyed the attention but seemed confused to see some of his friends at his house. By the end of the evening he was worn out but it was special to get to enjoy one last time with him and his friends.

 

Some folks weren't able to make it with such short notice and I invited them to share a favorite memory of Morey. It made me smile amidst the tears to remember what an impact he has had on so many people!

On Tuesday Morey went in to work to say goodbye. This was perhaps the hardest to think that it was the last time he would accompany me into the office. Once again he got couch privileges as people from my office and all around our building and department stopped by to say goodbye. Everyone lingered, not wanting to have to leave and say the final goodbye. He had a tough time walking from my office to the car and I realized this would likely be his last outing. I couldn't keep the tears from falling as I thought of all the times we had rolled the halls together and knowing that from now on I would be alone. Morey will be missed by so many people but by me most of all!