Heartbreak

Warning, very long and sad post!

Over the past week Morey hasn't been feeling well. He was limping a bit and then threw up his breakfast and didn't want to eat. His symptoms were so vague and fluctuating I kept waiting to see if he would get better on his own. On Thursday night he began breathing very heavily and continued that all night. At several points I contemplated taking him to the emergency vet but he didn't seem to be struggling for breath and he wasn't getting worse so I decided to wait until morning.

I called the vet in the morning and they told me they were fully booked and all they could do was have me drop Morey off so the vet could see him when she was available. I explained that Morey is my service dog and that I didn't feel comfortable doing a drop off. She talked to the head nurse and they said to bring him immediately and they would work him in. It is so important to have a vet that understands the unique nature of the demands and nature of a working service dog relationship.

After hearing about Morey's symptoms they decided to do x-rays of his chest and abdomen. A lot of the vet staff know Morey and always comment on how compliant and easy it is to work with him. When the vet called me in to review the x-rays she handed me a box of kleenex and told me she had bad news. My heart sunk in my chest as she said that Morey has cancer: hemangiosarcoma (cancer of the blood vessels). I could hardly wrap my mind around her words as she got tears in her eyes while telling me his prognosis is not good.

She showed me the x-rays and pointed out all the white spots that are tumors in his chest. She said his platelet count and red blood cell count is low and her exam showed that he is bleeding internally. She wanted to refer me to an oncologist who could do an ultrasound to see how far it has progressed and if there are any treatment options.

They brought Morey back in and gave him a comfy mat to lay on while they went to make the referral and finalize the paperwork. My head was spinning as I tried to process all the technical terms and next steps but all I kept thinking was that I was going to lose Morey far too soon. I thought he might have something wrong with his stomach and we would get some pills and be on our way. Not that I would receive life-altering news that the end of Morey's life was closer than I wanted to even imagine.

They sent me to an emergency/specialty vet in northwest Austin. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to stop home first and gather some food and things to keep me busy while waiting for Morey. Turns out this was a very good call since I didn't end up coming home until 8pm!

When I arrived at the vet they took Morey and got started on his diagnostics. The vet explained that they would do an ultrasound in the afternoon and they wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he is stable. I asked if there was anyway I could take him home with me that night and she said they would give him fluids and we could assess later in the day. They set us up in an exam room where I sat on the floor with him while he got fluids.

Morey's breathing wasn't as labored but he was very lethargic and almost non-responsive. It broke my heart to sit with him knowing that I may never get my happy energetic dog back. The vet staff was so kind, checking in on us periodically.

The vet tech brought Morey a pile of blankets to use as a pillow!

They did an ultrasound which confirmed everything my vet had initially suspected. She said he has a tumor in his spleen and if that was all they could remove the spleen but because he has tumors in other places, including his heart, this would not be effective. She said he has fluid around his heart which is making it hard for him to breathe. She told me he has less than a month to live and that she can't guarantee what his quality of life would be. When she asked if I wanted to consider euthanasia that day I lost it.

I don't want Morey to suffer but all this was so new to me. She said they could try to drain the fluid around his heart to give him some relief and I eagerly agreed. She warned me that it could refill almost immediately depending on where the fluid was coming from but it was basically the only option. During this procedure his heart skipped a few beats so they wanted to keep him a bit longer for observation. Once again we went back in Exam Room #3 and made ourselves as comfy as possible. Morey was so drugged and still I kept watching him breathe but that was preferably to seeing him be in so much discomfort. I didn't realize it was possible to cry that many tears in one day!

The vet said I could take Morey home since there really isn't much more they could do for him. She warned me of the possibility of him passing away in his sleep or having one of his tumors burst in which case he would quickly bleed to death internally. Obviously I have to be aware of my limitations in moving him if he can't walk or move himself so she gave me the name of two vets who will come to your home for euthanasia.

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that Morey will likely be gone by the end of the month. He is my constant companion and life without him is truly unimaginable. He's with me everywhere I go and will be missed everywhere I go.  Yet I also don't want him to suffer just because it makes me sad to say goodbye. I'm praying we have a few more days together before I have to make any more hard decisions!

Baseball!

My friend Heather (who also works at UT with me) and I have tried to make an effort to go to more UT sports games this season. We work with a number of student athletes with disabilities so it's fun to go watch them compete. We got off to a good start with football in September and then had a bit of a lull but we decided to get back on track by going to a UT baseball game.

View of the UT Baseball Field

As someone who played softball growing up the start of spring is always associated with baseball and softball.The cool evenings make me want to go outside and throw the ball around. Although we had planned to go that night we hadn't bought tickets until that day (figuring a 6pm Wednesday game wouldn't sell out). You can't buy accessible seats online so we just decided to buy regular seats and make it work. That's always a risk but this time it worked out fine since the stadium had plenty of empty accessible seats.

Morey at the ball field

 Looking at this picture of Morey on the right you might think he looks happy but he was actually really stressed. Ever since his seizure certain situations seem to trigger him into becoming unusually stressed and obviously that's something I want to avoid! I know keep a few anxiety pills on hand, along with jerky strips, so I am prepared. Watching him become anxious I popped him a pill- knowing this would be a better option at the moment rather than trying to leave.

Morey laying under the stadium seat

Happy Morey

 Once the pills take effect Morey becomes super happy (and a little clumsy). It's definitely preferable than having him be super stressed but it does make me feel a little bad. Most dogs who have anxiety/fear would not become service dogs because it's not fair or safe to force them into situations that stress them out. With Morey it's a little different because this stress is acquired. I have talked with my vet and feel like because it's happening so infrequently this option is working for now. If it got to the point where it was happening on a daily basis I would obviously have to consider my options. I want Morey to be my service dog as long as possible but it is more of a priority to keep him happy and healthy!

I wanted to see if we could end up on the Kiss Cam but since Morey was laying on the ground we were never on the screen. His favorite part was taking part in the 7th inning stretch!

Spring has Sprung!

Texas Bluebonnets

In Texas spring comes early! (Technically the official start of spring is the same around the U.S. but the spring weather arrives in Texas earlier). The warm weather and budding plants makes me want to spend as much time outside as possible. It's impossible to capture the beauty of these days- warm sun, gentle breeze, vibrant colors- in a photo but I like to try to capture the memory of those feelings.

So for those who don't get spring weather until a little later, enjoy some of ours!

Morey sunning himself on the rocks

Morey "smiling"

Handsome Morey chilling in the grass

Roses growing in the yard

Morey on the deck

 It's nice to have more light in the evening- although I find myself heading to bed much later because I am outside so long and don't end up eating dinner until 8pm. Spring might be my favorite time of year as everything comes alive again!

Morey soaking up the Sun

St. Patrick's Day

I heard on the radio that the average person spends $40 on their St. Patrick's Day celebration. I'm guessing a lot of that has to be alcohol since I am not sure what other expenses are usually associated with St. Patrick's Day. This year I went all out and spent $3 dollars on a shamrock headband and tiny green sequined top hat. I consider it money well spent to complement Morey's green sequined bowtie!

 As usual, Morey was tolerant of his accessorizing and associated photo shoot. I think the green treats made it a bit more tolerable for him!

For those wondering, the reason Morey is sitting in the chair is because that's the only way I can take a picture of both of us. When he sits in the chair it puts us both at the same height.

 Apparently Morey wasn't trained how to properly sit in a chair!

Morey heard that if you don't wear green you might get pinched. Even though he has green dog bones on his collar he left the bowtie on most of the day just to be safe!

Making an Impact

I park in the same place at work everyday next to a grassy area where we usually spend time at the beginning and end of each day playing ball. The other day I was taking Morey out during lunch and an older gentleman came up to me and told me that he worked in the office building across from where I park. He said he can look out the window of his office and see us playing and that it makes him smile and gives him something to look forward to everyday. He said he wanted me to know how much that means to him and what a good dog Morey is. I thanked him for sharing that with me (only a little creeped out that now I know I am being watched as I go to/from my car each day!).

I know I have said this before but I am so humbled by Morey's ability to put a smile on people's faces and make a positive difference in their day- even from afar. I wish I could do the same simply by being my normal self! Morey is my service dog but he has touched so many lives!

Left Behind

I had the opportunity to compete in an international rugby tournament in Vancouver, Canada. I had planned to take Morey but after seeing how tired he was after his agility trial I decided to leave him home with my roommate. The last time I left Morey for more than a few days he did not do very well (started alert barking, wouldn't eat, etc.) so I was a little concerned about how he would do. Sometimes I wish they could explain why it really was better for him to stay instead of come with me!

It turns out leaving Morey at home was an excellent decision. It was cold and rainy pretty much the whole time we were in Vancouver and we saw a lot of very dirty and wet dogs! Managing a wet and dirty dog in public places and hotels would have been difficult and not enjoyable for either one of us!

The competition venue was the Richmond Olympic Oval, one of the venues for the 2010 Winter Olympics/Paralympics. I had never been to an Olympic venue before and it was fun to see all of the memorabilia they had on display. One of the downsides of the venue was the ice skating rinks inside that made it very cold!

It would have been tough to have Morey there because two teams had the same equipment area in a room separate from the gym. It's a public place and I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving Morey unattended and out of sight but there wasn't any room on the playing court for him either.

I got home from my trip at about 1am. Normally when I come home Morey greets me at the door enthusiastically but this time he just started at me as I came in the door with very little response. I took him back to bed and he wagged his tail very slowly. I think his body had woken up but his mind hadn't quite processed my return yet!

Later I found out that my roommate had been concerned about Morey so he put some of his anxiety meds in his water. Morey has a huge water bowl and it takes him a few days to drink it so I doubt the pills had any effect on Morey but they seemed to do the trick for my roommate's peace of mind! :)

Sharing Office Space

Occasionally I meet with students at work who have their own service/guide dog. Rather than trying to manage two dogs in my smallish office I usually relocate Morey to somewhere else during our meeting (I have a number of co-workers to fight over the privilege of hosting Morey in their offices!).

The other day I had a potential blind student and his parents and guide dog Duffy who were visiting from Canada. I moved Morey into a co-worker's office who had gone home for the day and told him to "stay" before shutting the door and inviting the student and his family back to my office. I informed the family that I had a service dog so they knew why Duffy immediately started sniffing the floor when he laid down in my office.

They had the usual questions about academic accommodations, getting around Austin, etc. The student also wanted to know about surviving the heat with Duffy. Where he lives they get tons of snow but not as many hot days. I explained about being careful about the pavement getting too hot for their paws and the options of putting boots on them (which Morey hated).

At the end of the meeting the mom gave me a hug. Sending your child to another country to study is a big step and there are even more considerations when your child has a disability. I was glad I could help them feel more confident about the supports and access they have available at UT!

After they left I brought Morey back to my office and he immediately began sniffing the spot where Duffy had been laying. He kept looking up at me like "why did you let another dog in here"? I assured him our relationship had been strictly professional and that if the student chooses to come to UT he might get to meet Duffy himself!